PARKINSON'S HYPER-AWARENESS MONTH

Maybe it's all the emails about PD pelting my inbox like cold April hail. Maybe it's because so many of my loved ones have died in the month of April. Or maybe it really is the cruelest month.

But all through April, I have been hyper-aware of the FEELING of PD, like a chilly shadow falling over me.

Is my tremor worse? Or am I just more conscious of it? Am I underestimating the hours of reprieve I get from popping a med? I can still run, box, work up a sweat. But am I stumbling more than I used to? Or just imagining it?

OR....by making every workout a referendum on my getting worse vs getting better, am I just inviting all those negative thoughts to my party?

Carl Jung had a saying, "what we resist, persists." Well, he said it better. And this article explains it better. But here's my take, in my own words: if I focus on my fear, I give it the power to control my consciousness. It will color the sunny daffodils I see on my morning walk with my dog. It will cast its chilly shadow everywhere. If all I can think about is, "Oh my God, am I getting WORSE?" I'll see just that, any time the tiniest thing goes wrong. .

Does this mean, if I somehow stop thinking about Parkinson's, it'll go away? Of course not. BUT...something interesting happened at my last neurologist appointment. I asked her why my left arm was so much weaker than my right arm. My doctor had me push down on her hands with both of mine and told me my left arm wasn't weaker. It probably just FEELS that way.

Huh.

I'm starting to understand PD as a kind of faulty wifi signal between my brain and my body. But I'm also starting to appreciate how I can use my mind - my will, my determination, my focus - to consciously coordinate my movements. Something happens after the first mile, or the first 20 minutes of a boxing workout. As I warm up and get in the groove, I feel stronger.

Another thought: Maybe, just maybe, ACCEPTANCE is the opposite of RESISTANCE. As many (including me) have pointed out, acceptance does not mean resignation or defeat. It just means acknowledging the reality of what is, as well as the reality of what I can do about it.

So as Parkinson's Awareness month goes on and the emails keep coming in, I am going to consciously try to stop focusing on the negative -- what could happen -- and turn my attention to the here and now. Today, I'm okay.

Today, I can walk. Run. Throw a right hook. Laugh with my friends.

Yes, my legs have been cramping. But that gave me an awesome excuse to ask my husband for a massage....which he GAVE ME.

So as Parkinson's Awareness Month churns on, I think I'll just try to relax and enjoy the pretty flowers in the park, my romping dog, the sunshine of early spring. Life ain't so bad today.

xo

KMac